This is the story I never wanted to write or even share in any detail. Why? Because it still causes pain, sadness and a feeling of a big empty spot.
When my husband and I got married we had decided that given our age we would not prevent pregnancy but instead hoped for a little one all our own. I was excited and thrilled with the idea of being a mom to a newborn again. I was excited to see a new little life grow up as I had watched my oldest daughter grow. To my great delight I found out that I was indeed pregnant. October 23, I got a very clear positive test. I remember rushing to tell my husband. I took his hand and put it on my tummy and I remember saying, " Meet your baby" . The smile on his face was priceless. Our dream was coming true and I couldn't be happier. We had a Dr. Appointment and found out my thyroid was high. I was started on synthroid. We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks 3 days. The baby was only measuring 9 weeks 5 days. What was worse was the look on the Dr. Face when she said " I am sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I felt numb. I didn't know what to think. I was told I would miscarry in the next few weeks. I spent hours praying that our baby would be ok, hours crying that the results were wrong. On Dec 17th we were at an Awana Chistmas party and it happened. With a gush. I went to the washroom to see what was happening and saw my baby. Perfect little 9 week 5 day baby. The baby I was suppose to protect. The baby I prayed and cried for. There was that numbness again. I remember holding the little body in my hand, and crying and saying "I'm sorry little one". I was alone there, just me and my baby, and I didn't notice how badly I was bleeding, nor did i care. I felt like i had died as well. I then realized that i had to go to the hospital, I opened the door to allow my husband in. I was still holding our baby in my hand, I can still see the baby laying there. An image forever burned in my mind. I remember showing him but could not remember what he said. We then headed for the hospital.
Once at the hospital things got bad. I was hemorrhaging heavily, yet not much was being done. I was put in a side room and left there. I was bleeding so heavily that I passed out. It was then that I got moved to emergency. I know many times throughout the next hours passing clots the size of dinner plates. I know I could no longer sit without passing out. I was having contractions as my body was trying to pass the placenta. I remember them calling doctors but no one coming. I was bleeding out and no one was helping. The next morning a doctor finally came and did a d and c . At this point my blood count went to 70. Close to death I am told. It took months to regain any strength physically. Not only did I loose our baby, I lost all my strength.
The mental part of the miscarriage was so much more painful then the physical. I cried and cried. How could my baby die. I was so angry at God for taking my baby. He could have stopped it, how could he. We moved shortly after to another home. I remember spending hours a night out in the living room just crying in the middle of the night. I held it together through the day when people where around, when I was alone I lost it. Wanting to just hold my baby.
Then we chose to try again, and sure enough we got another positive test. I was happy but scared. I felt I was betraying the first baby I lost. I told my husband and we were both happy. Only a few short weeks later, bleeding yet again. After going to the hospital a few times no heartbeat was found and I would miscarry. This baby I would never see. I was bleeding again, but i was having proper care. My husband left around 11 to get some rest and would be back in an hour or 2. At about 11:45 PM the doctor said he would have to do a procedure to see if they could get the bleeding to stop. I was still in a blurry how could this be happening again? This time the doctor rolled me into a little er room with stirrups and proceeded to pull the baby from me. He said it was done. I asked to see the baby but was denied. He then rolled me back to the er and allowed me to "heal". Again came months of hurt like no other, pain like no other. Hours of crying for my babies.
Then one time while crying out to God why? I remember hearing " Your babies died, yes it is true, feeling no pain, feeling only love, and were right in my arms. You see how much you cry and love them. I GAVE my son, knowing he would suffer incredible pain, because I love you THAT much." That broke me. Yes indeed my babies died, and it hurt, I love them. Christ loves me more. I will one day hold those babies, because of Jesus' love. This started my healing. God didn't take my babies, we know now it was a problem I had with synthroid, but He now holds my babies and they know no pain. I held them every second of their life.
Fast forward to march2013 and we have another positive test, this baby we welcomed in October 2013, then her sisters followed in Nov 2015, Aug 1017. My God is one who heals, who loves me as much as he loves Jesus and who holds my other babies for me till I get there.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Saturday, July 14, 2018
A new land.
I remember reading many times in the Bible, how God called Abraham to leave everything and go to a new land. I could not imagine that. Just leaving family, friends and everything familiar to go to a land where you know no one. Until now.
As some of you know we homeschool our little ones. We feel this is the right choice for our family and hold the ability to do so as a great blessing and a need for us. However in our home province the homeschool laws are taking some drastic changes, not for the better. We have always been aware of this and knew that if it got to bad we would have to move. In January of 2017 this happened. One of the laws passed we did not like and has made it even more difficult to educate our children.
We saw it as a constant decline and felt God tell us it was time.
Then as Abraham we were called to another province. One where we know no body, one that is 9 hours from all family. Leaving everything and everyone we know behind, taking our family of 6 and going. Not only are we moving a family of 6 to a new land but we are doing it in winter.
In just a few short weeks from the time we said yes we will move, we had a house and my husband had a job. Six weeks from the time we said yes we leave to come to this new place.
Our move has not come without struggles, we have struggled to get to know some new people. We don't have a support system here, we can't call on family to just come and help out if we need it. We have had to lean on each other a lot more, we have had to find new ways of doing things. There are days where I long for that support system we had back home, where on a nice day the kids could go out and easily play with friends or visit family. Days when my 4 year old cries because she misses her friends and her old home, I wish I could take her back. However we know this is where we are called to be. I often wondered if Abrham had days where he wanted to just go back. Now I am sure he probably did.
The area I now live in is beautiful. It has many of the things I have always wanted. It has space for my children to play, we have a few chickens and a garden. We can easily go to the beach and there is lots of farms and things to see. It has wonderful homeschooling laws and a large homeschool community. We know that God has called us to this place, it is clearly seen in the road to get here and even now that we are here. Sometimes the road God has called us on though is not easy. There are days I want to say, maybe the laws back home are not so bad afterall, and compromise. To go back, to return to the land we came from. I think a lot of us do this and compromise in what we know we are to do just because it is hard or lonley. Yet as Abrham we need to have faith that this is where God has called us and for a reason that will bring Him glory. So join us on this new adventure in a new land.
As some of you know we homeschool our little ones. We feel this is the right choice for our family and hold the ability to do so as a great blessing and a need for us. However in our home province the homeschool laws are taking some drastic changes, not for the better. We have always been aware of this and knew that if it got to bad we would have to move. In January of 2017 this happened. One of the laws passed we did not like and has made it even more difficult to educate our children.
We saw it as a constant decline and felt God tell us it was time.
Then as Abraham we were called to another province. One where we know no body, one that is 9 hours from all family. Leaving everything and everyone we know behind, taking our family of 6 and going. Not only are we moving a family of 6 to a new land but we are doing it in winter.
In just a few short weeks from the time we said yes we will move, we had a house and my husband had a job. Six weeks from the time we said yes we leave to come to this new place.
Our move has not come without struggles, we have struggled to get to know some new people. We don't have a support system here, we can't call on family to just come and help out if we need it. We have had to lean on each other a lot more, we have had to find new ways of doing things. There are days where I long for that support system we had back home, where on a nice day the kids could go out and easily play with friends or visit family. Days when my 4 year old cries because she misses her friends and her old home, I wish I could take her back. However we know this is where we are called to be. I often wondered if Abrham had days where he wanted to just go back. Now I am sure he probably did.
The area I now live in is beautiful. It has many of the things I have always wanted. It has space for my children to play, we have a few chickens and a garden. We can easily go to the beach and there is lots of farms and things to see. It has wonderful homeschooling laws and a large homeschool community. We know that God has called us to this place, it is clearly seen in the road to get here and even now that we are here. Sometimes the road God has called us on though is not easy. There are days I want to say, maybe the laws back home are not so bad afterall, and compromise. To go back, to return to the land we came from. I think a lot of us do this and compromise in what we know we are to do just because it is hard or lonley. Yet as Abrham we need to have faith that this is where God has called us and for a reason that will bring Him glory. So join us on this new adventure in a new land.
Abigail's Birth story
I know some people love to hear birth stories, so i have chosen once again to share one, Abigails.
Abigail was due on the 17th of August. With her though we knew it would not be our Dr that would deliver her. We found out part way through the pregnancy that she was no longer doing deliveries and would be retiring in September. This left me very nervous for the delivery, due to past problems.
On the night of August 9th I started having contraction at about 4 minutes. Off to the hospital we go. Once they they start to monitor me. Contractions were steady 3-5 minutes for 2 hours. Then BAM stopped. I was allowed to go back home. However the Dr. said as we left, " See you around 4am." Fast forward to 4 am. I was getting contractions again. These however I have come to know as the "oh yeah these are the real ones." Off we go again.
Once there we find out I am truly in labour and this is it. The labour was very smooth
Most contraction I could easily breathe through until I hit 8-9cm. My husband would put conter pressure on my lower back , which also made the contractions way more bearable. After about 3ish hours I was fully dilated, but Abigail was face up, and there was still a small "lip". So I was not able to push just yet. We tried many things to turn her, finally I remember saying " just cut her out." However was informed they won't do that unless they have to. So they suggested and epidural So she may turn. I agreed and the call was made. One more check was made before the epidural was given. Guess who decided to turn! She was now in great position and I could push. 10 minutes later, at 8:33am, as the morning sun was beaming throughout delivery room window, we got to greet our newest member, Abigail.
Abigail was due on the 17th of August. With her though we knew it would not be our Dr that would deliver her. We found out part way through the pregnancy that she was no longer doing deliveries and would be retiring in September. This left me very nervous for the delivery, due to past problems.
On the night of August 9th I started having contraction at about 4 minutes. Off to the hospital we go. Once they they start to monitor me. Contractions were steady 3-5 minutes for 2 hours. Then BAM stopped. I was allowed to go back home. However the Dr. said as we left, " See you around 4am." Fast forward to 4 am. I was getting contractions again. These however I have come to know as the "oh yeah these are the real ones." Off we go again.
Once there we find out I am truly in labour and this is it. The labour was very smooth
Most contraction I could easily breathe through until I hit 8-9cm. My husband would put conter pressure on my lower back , which also made the contractions way more bearable. After about 3ish hours I was fully dilated, but Abigail was face up, and there was still a small "lip". So I was not able to push just yet. We tried many things to turn her, finally I remember saying " just cut her out." However was informed they won't do that unless they have to. So they suggested and epidural So she may turn. I agreed and the call was made. One more check was made before the epidural was given. Guess who decided to turn! She was now in great position and I could push. 10 minutes later, at 8:33am, as the morning sun was beaming throughout delivery room window, we got to greet our newest member, Abigail.
She was by far my easiest delivery. Now almost a year old and such a wonderful joy. I am blessed with 4 wonderful girls and a loving husband.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Another little blessing!
We have once again added another little girl to our Family! She is our little Abigail. We got to welcome her the 10th of August, in the morning as the sun was shining through the delivery room window.
I have gone from struggling with miscarriages to a wonderfully blessed mom. I am so happy to have my 4, yes 4, girls.
Often now I hear that we are a large family, or that I am done, or my favourite, " you are not trying for more now are you?". Years ago 4 was not a big family, it was small. Why is it that years ago children were wanted and large families were wonderful, made people happy,, and were a blessing? Now 4 is to some, an awful thing and how could anyone want more.
Children to me are a wonderful blessing and bring much joy. They are loud, messy and sometimes just very difficult but so worth it. They seem to be able to undo my cleaning job in 5 minutes flat. But the fun imaginative play in that time reminds me of the innocence of children and the joy in being able to imagine anything and pretend to be it.
Our 4 year old can ask so many questions in a day. Why, who, when, what. Why is the sky that color? Who is saint Nicolas? When is my friend coming to play? What does this do? Sometimes I think, please no more questions. But then remember that curiosity is a great thing. Questions she asks now and has answered will find a way into her play later.
My 2 year old seems to be into everything. I think she spends her day trying to see how often she can be told no. No don't climb on the table. No you can play with the phone. Get out of the bag of flour. Don't dump your water on the floor. I then see a different side. She is mimicking in her own way things she sees. She is trying to help or be like mom or Dad. Which again finds its way into play.
Our little 2 month old is fussing with gas and post vaccine soreness. She has always had a lot of gas and struggles laying down. She cries unless walking or being held upright. There is little time when she lays down. However I see her beautiful smile now, I feel her breathing and relaxing and every step is worth it.
My now 18 year old has grown so fast. She has been home schooled, went to college and is now looking at international studies and midwifery. What a joy, what a blessing. She is following the Lord and is caring toward others. She truly bring a smile to my heart. She went through all these above struggles and times as well as she grew, but they passed.
Maybe today you are a mom of a child who talks non stop, who is into everything or a fussy 2 month old. Remember moms, and dads, it does pass. Soon they will be all grown and making your heart smile even more. Try to see the good and enjoy the ride. They are a blessing, they are not a burden.
Do we have a big family? yes we do. Are our hands full? oh yeah! However our hearts are too. Remember that when you see a larger family. Instead of thinking, " what a burden" think, "What a BLESSING."
I have gone from struggling with miscarriages to a wonderfully blessed mom. I am so happy to have my 4, yes 4, girls.
Often now I hear that we are a large family, or that I am done, or my favourite, " you are not trying for more now are you?". Years ago 4 was not a big family, it was small. Why is it that years ago children were wanted and large families were wonderful, made people happy,, and were a blessing? Now 4 is to some, an awful thing and how could anyone want more.
Children to me are a wonderful blessing and bring much joy. They are loud, messy and sometimes just very difficult but so worth it. They seem to be able to undo my cleaning job in 5 minutes flat. But the fun imaginative play in that time reminds me of the innocence of children and the joy in being able to imagine anything and pretend to be it.
Our 4 year old can ask so many questions in a day. Why, who, when, what. Why is the sky that color? Who is saint Nicolas? When is my friend coming to play? What does this do? Sometimes I think, please no more questions. But then remember that curiosity is a great thing. Questions she asks now and has answered will find a way into her play later.
My 2 year old seems to be into everything. I think she spends her day trying to see how often she can be told no. No don't climb on the table. No you can play with the phone. Get out of the bag of flour. Don't dump your water on the floor. I then see a different side. She is mimicking in her own way things she sees. She is trying to help or be like mom or Dad. Which again finds its way into play.
Our little 2 month old is fussing with gas and post vaccine soreness. She has always had a lot of gas and struggles laying down. She cries unless walking or being held upright. There is little time when she lays down. However I see her beautiful smile now, I feel her breathing and relaxing and every step is worth it.
My now 18 year old has grown so fast. She has been home schooled, went to college and is now looking at international studies and midwifery. What a joy, what a blessing. She is following the Lord and is caring toward others. She truly bring a smile to my heart. She went through all these above struggles and times as well as she grew, but they passed.
Maybe today you are a mom of a child who talks non stop, who is into everything or a fussy 2 month old. Remember moms, and dads, it does pass. Soon they will be all grown and making your heart smile even more. Try to see the good and enjoy the ride. They are a blessing, they are not a burden.
Do we have a big family? yes we do. Are our hands full? oh yeah! However our hearts are too. Remember that when you see a larger family. Instead of thinking, " what a burden" think, "What a BLESSING."
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
The Journey starts over.
Here we go, again. On The mothering and homeschool journey. My oldest daughter has started college this year, after graduating from homeschool. She seems very prepared and seems to be having no problems with her classes. We homeschooled through A.C.E for the most part. This program was easy for me and daughter her as she got older to work on her own, set goals and to complete her work on time. It gave her all the info she needed to be able to keep up in college and not just keep up but excel.
I was a single mom for 12 years, I homeschooled and did what I could to raise my oldest daughter. I then got married when she was 12, to my wonderful husband who stood by me in the decision to homeschool and be a stay home mom and wife. Now after 5 years we have 2 more little ones, and our homeschooling journey is about to restart. It was at first a daunting and somewhat scary thought ot me, that I Would have to do it all over again. I then see the school system and the thought of putting them in school and hate it.
Now the journey is starting over. My three year old has started school. We played around with just a few little workbooks but it does not seem to be enough so our A.C.E journey is about to start over in a few weeks.
I am also on a journey to get more organised. For me this could be a big one. I will share on here and our facebook page the journey and any tips we may come across. I am certainly not the most organized person, however I believe that it is important and will help me be a better mom and wife.
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Herronsnest
I was a single mom for 12 years, I homeschooled and did what I could to raise my oldest daughter. I then got married when she was 12, to my wonderful husband who stood by me in the decision to homeschool and be a stay home mom and wife. Now after 5 years we have 2 more little ones, and our homeschooling journey is about to restart. It was at first a daunting and somewhat scary thought ot me, that I Would have to do it all over again. I then see the school system and the thought of putting them in school and hate it.
Now the journey is starting over. My three year old has started school. We played around with just a few little workbooks but it does not seem to be enough so our A.C.E journey is about to start over in a few weeks.
I am also on a journey to get more organised. For me this could be a big one. I will share on here and our facebook page the journey and any tips we may come across. I am certainly not the most organized person, however I believe that it is important and will help me be a better mom and wife.
Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Herronsnest
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Teething, Potty training and physics
Our house is full of different stages and the excitement and struggles that go with each. The oldest Daughter has turn 17, wow 17 already. I seem to remember it was yesterday she was learning her alphabet, now she is doing physics and preparing for college. She is a true young women, preparing to make her way in the world and one day will be leaving my house, not a day I look forward to, but know it is part of the process as well.
The 2 year old is in a stage of potty training and temper tantrums. She seems to refuse to go on potty, yet when the underwear, or as we call them, "big girl pants" are put on she goes without fail. Her tantrums can be so often some days and none others, leaving a totally unpredictable day. The craziness of the 2's. However she is also in the process of discovery. She has recently discovered how mushy dog food goes when it is put in his water. She has also learner new letters and colors. To see the joy and light in her eyes as she learns and discovers her world is remarkable.
Then we have a 3 month old. She is just learning to laugh! What a joy that is, to hear the first little giggles that are starting to turn into laughs. Always at the most simple things. Pure, sweet, laugh and happiness. Then there comes the crying that goes with the pain of teething. It hurts me to hear her cry because of pain. Yet I know she will face other things that are painful in her life, skinned knees, splinters, bumps and bruises. Yet God willing I will see them all go through, teething, potty training, all the way to physics, and hopefully well beyond.
The 2 year old is in a stage of potty training and temper tantrums. She seems to refuse to go on potty, yet when the underwear, or as we call them, "big girl pants" are put on she goes without fail. Her tantrums can be so often some days and none others, leaving a totally unpredictable day. The craziness of the 2's. However she is also in the process of discovery. She has recently discovered how mushy dog food goes when it is put in his water. She has also learner new letters and colors. To see the joy and light in her eyes as she learns and discovers her world is remarkable. Then we have a 3 month old. She is just learning to laugh! What a joy that is, to hear the first little giggles that are starting to turn into laughs. Always at the most simple things. Pure, sweet, laugh and happiness. Then there comes the crying that goes with the pain of teething. It hurts me to hear her cry because of pain. Yet I know she will face other things that are painful in her life, skinned knees, splinters, bumps and bruises. Yet God willing I will see them all go through, teething, potty training, all the way to physics, and hopefully well beyond.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Bethany's birth
I know many like to hear the birth stories of babies so I have chosen to share Bethany's. The early hours of November 5th were broken by the sounds of a healthy baby girl taking her first breath, and with that we became a family of 5.
I will start at the beginning though. Bethany was a surprise from the start, I didn't even know I was pregnant for her till I was almost through the first trimester, (10 weeks). I was still breastfeeding my 18 month old and for that reason I was not having a regular cycle at all. On March 29th I broke out in a rash, but it was brushed off as being allergic to something, I didn't know it could be because of pregnancy. My husband and I both checked it out individually then confronted each other. The morning of April 1st I got a very clear positive result, which led me to realize that pregnancy tests don't play april fools jokes, i was indeed pregnant.
Fast forward to Nov 4th, I went for a regular check with our doctor and found out I was 3 cm. By now I just want the baby out, 39 weeks and 1 day. Our doctor did a sweep and light contractions started irregular and not consistent. They remained that way till about 8pm when they started becoming more regular and stronger. Great just as I was trying to watch survivor. Still these contractions were not the ones to go to the hospital on and not even real labor yet but were enough to be a distraction. By 10pm everything changed and we decided it was time to go into the hospital, we arrived there about 10:15ish and made our way to the maternity ward. I was checked and was still at 3 cm, no change but our dr. was called in and showed up about 30 minutes later. The contractions again changed and got really intense, I decided I wanted an epidural for get this whole natural thing. I was checked again and found to be 9-10 cm, so from 3- 9 in 1 hour, ouch! I was allowed to start pushing, here is where everything changes. After pushing for a while the baby was still not moving down well, turns out she was turned so her head would come out sideways. Every so often the doctor would try to turn her. I remember pushing with every contraction and not feeling her move at all, I would ask the doctor " did she move" and my doctor would just give me a look that I know was a no, but she was trying not to discourage me, when she would move a little she would tell me and was very encouraging. My poor husband through all this is having to deal with me getting upset because I would not get an answer, because she was not moving, because they would not pull her out, and I was squeezing his hand so very hard, I love that guy! Finally after a very natural and trying labor, 2 1/2 hours of pushing our little girl was welcomed into our arms, looking at the sky. She was born sunnyside up! I am so very thankful that our doctor was able to let us deliver naturally and not rush us off for a c-section. She weighed in at a healthy 8lbs 4oz and 19 1/2 inches.
Although there were times through this that I felt drained and that I could not push another time, I was encourage continually by my doctor, and my husband to keep going. This was the first time in any of my labors that I did not hemorrhage after, or have a lot of tearing, I remember laying there between contractions praying that God would bring this baby out and that she would move or turn, she did finally turn from sideways to face up and then was born fairly quickly. I have however been warned that future labors will probably be very quick. If she had been the right way she would have been born when my water broke at 9 cm. I am no longer allowed to wait at home for my water to break.
I will start at the beginning though. Bethany was a surprise from the start, I didn't even know I was pregnant for her till I was almost through the first trimester, (10 weeks). I was still breastfeeding my 18 month old and for that reason I was not having a regular cycle at all. On March 29th I broke out in a rash, but it was brushed off as being allergic to something, I didn't know it could be because of pregnancy. My husband and I both checked it out individually then confronted each other. The morning of April 1st I got a very clear positive result, which led me to realize that pregnancy tests don't play april fools jokes, i was indeed pregnant.
Fast forward to Nov 4th, I went for a regular check with our doctor and found out I was 3 cm. By now I just want the baby out, 39 weeks and 1 day. Our doctor did a sweep and light contractions started irregular and not consistent. They remained that way till about 8pm when they started becoming more regular and stronger. Great just as I was trying to watch survivor. Still these contractions were not the ones to go to the hospital on and not even real labor yet but were enough to be a distraction. By 10pm everything changed and we decided it was time to go into the hospital, we arrived there about 10:15ish and made our way to the maternity ward. I was checked and was still at 3 cm, no change but our dr. was called in and showed up about 30 minutes later. The contractions again changed and got really intense, I decided I wanted an epidural for get this whole natural thing. I was checked again and found to be 9-10 cm, so from 3- 9 in 1 hour, ouch! I was allowed to start pushing, here is where everything changes. After pushing for a while the baby was still not moving down well, turns out she was turned so her head would come out sideways. Every so often the doctor would try to turn her. I remember pushing with every contraction and not feeling her move at all, I would ask the doctor " did she move" and my doctor would just give me a look that I know was a no, but she was trying not to discourage me, when she would move a little she would tell me and was very encouraging. My poor husband through all this is having to deal with me getting upset because I would not get an answer, because she was not moving, because they would not pull her out, and I was squeezing his hand so very hard, I love that guy! Finally after a very natural and trying labor, 2 1/2 hours of pushing our little girl was welcomed into our arms, looking at the sky. She was born sunnyside up! I am so very thankful that our doctor was able to let us deliver naturally and not rush us off for a c-section. She weighed in at a healthy 8lbs 4oz and 19 1/2 inches. 
Although there were times through this that I felt drained and that I could not push another time, I was encourage continually by my doctor, and my husband to keep going. This was the first time in any of my labors that I did not hemorrhage after, or have a lot of tearing, I remember laying there between contractions praying that God would bring this baby out and that she would move or turn, she did finally turn from sideways to face up and then was born fairly quickly. I have however been warned that future labors will probably be very quick. If she had been the right way she would have been born when my water broke at 9 cm. I am no longer allowed to wait at home for my water to break.
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