Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

My husband and I were thrilled to find out that we were again expecting.  I was not sure about telling anyone yet, however felt that the prayers would be so welcome, esepcially since we had previously had 2 miscarriages.
Everything was going well. I found myself continually thanking God for this new little life.  Then it happened. Bleeding. We made our way to the ER and found out the we were pregnant with twins. There was 2 ! However we went on to miscarry both 2 days later.
After we had hoped that since only 1 baby was seen during the loss, maybe the remaining twin survived.  However that is not the case. We did loose both.  I was in shock and realized, I have 4 living children and I have lost 4.  I lost half of the babies I have been pregnant for.

It was in this time that I felt the arms and love of Christ like never before. The other 2 miscarriages I became angry with God for taking my babies.  I eventually learned different and repented of my behavior. However this time instead of being angry, I ran to Him to just be comforted and to be held and to just cry.  He knows the pain I was feeling. He loves those babies even more than I do. He holds them and they will never know pain. He has loved them from the beginning of time.  I will hold them one day. 

This time instead of asking why, I asked " please just hold me" My heart has been changed from blaming God for taking my babies to running to him and saying " Even in this time of hurt, when i feel my very heart has been ripped out. When i feel more sadness then i ever want to imagine, when all I can do in the middle of the night is cry. I will say , Blessed be your name!"  Regardless of how I feel or don't feel. God you remain the same. You love me even in all my trials, in all my hurts and all my ugliness. You love me with an overwhelming, unconditional, and radical love.  Even when all I want to do is hide in the shower and cry.  Even when I get sad or angry, even when i can't pray or can only say "hold me" .  God is there and does hold me. He always will.

The arms and heart of God hold more love and comfort than any human can imagine. We only see glimpse of it here and there. We will never know the great extent of His love till the day we stand before him. He is worthy of our praise regardless of where we are and what we are facing. He is God and deserves our praise even in pain. 
My heart will still say Blessed be the name of the Lord.