Wednesday, May 1, 2019

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

My husband and I were thrilled to find out that we were again expecting.  I was not sure about telling anyone yet, however felt that the prayers would be so welcome, esepcially since we had previously had 2 miscarriages.
Everything was going well. I found myself continually thanking God for this new little life.  Then it happened. Bleeding. We made our way to the ER and found out the we were pregnant with twins. There was 2 ! However we went on to miscarry both 2 days later.
After we had hoped that since only 1 baby was seen during the loss, maybe the remaining twin survived.  However that is not the case. We did loose both.  I was in shock and realized, I have 4 living children and I have lost 4.  I lost half of the babies I have been pregnant for.

It was in this time that I felt the arms and love of Christ like never before. The other 2 miscarriages I became angry with God for taking my babies.  I eventually learned different and repented of my behavior. However this time instead of being angry, I ran to Him to just be comforted and to be held and to just cry.  He knows the pain I was feeling. He loves those babies even more than I do. He holds them and they will never know pain. He has loved them from the beginning of time.  I will hold them one day. 

This time instead of asking why, I asked " please just hold me" My heart has been changed from blaming God for taking my babies to running to him and saying " Even in this time of hurt, when i feel my very heart has been ripped out. When i feel more sadness then i ever want to imagine, when all I can do in the middle of the night is cry. I will say , Blessed be your name!"  Regardless of how I feel or don't feel. God you remain the same. You love me even in all my trials, in all my hurts and all my ugliness. You love me with an overwhelming, unconditional, and radical love.  Even when all I want to do is hide in the shower and cry.  Even when I get sad or angry, even when i can't pray or can only say "hold me" .  God is there and does hold me. He always will.

The arms and heart of God hold more love and comfort than any human can imagine. We only see glimpse of it here and there. We will never know the great extent of His love till the day we stand before him. He is worthy of our praise regardless of where we are and what we are facing. He is God and deserves our praise even in pain. 
My heart will still say Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Dreams do come true.

I remember finding out I was pregnant for my oldest daughter.  I was in the hospital due to allergic reaction to something I ate.  I knew that when you go in with anything like that they always do a pregnancy test.  I was shocked to hear the doctor say it was positive.  I had never expected that to happen.  I was just barely 20 years old, I was scared and away from home.  Yet I knew that I already loved this little baby.  I told the babys father and he left, leaving me a single mom.  Nine months later I looked down into the big brown eyes of my oldest daughter.
I watched her grow and loved every moment of it.  I never dreamed i would ever be lucky enough to be married and to have more children.  So much so I convinced myself marriage was silly and I didn't want it.  In reality I didn't want to even hope it could happen.  I thought that good guys and good things like that don't happen to single moms.  Who is going to want to marry me now.  I had a great daughter and would just be happy to watch her grow.

Years later my best friend becomes my husband and I realize being married IS a dream come true, one I had never even dare hope for.  Then came our children and the joy they bring. Which is again more than I felt I could hope for, however again a dream vome true. Now I have the joy of watching all of them grow.  Watching my oldest turn into a wonderful young woman, studing physics at a university level.  Watching my 3, yes 3, other wonderful girls grow and learn.

Sometimes God's plans for us are so much more than we ever feel we could hope for.  However He loves to bless us and sometimes it is more than we thought He would, in ways we could not even imagine.  Sometimes the road to those dreams are rocky, full of pot holes and bumps, lots of twists and turns.  Hang in there, He has a plan for it all and the plan is to bless those He loves.
 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to give you a hope and a future."

What a wonderful plan!

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The story I never wanted to write

This is the story I never wanted to write or even share in any detail.  Why?  Because it still causes pain, sadness and a feeling of a big empty spot.

When my husband and I got married we had decided that given our age we would not prevent pregnancy but instead hoped for a little one all our own.  I was excited and thrilled with the idea of being a mom to a newborn again.  I was excited to see a new little life grow up as I had watched my oldest daughter grow.  To my great delight I found out that I was indeed pregnant. October 23, I got a very clear positive test.  I remember rushing to tell my husband.  I took his hand and put it on my tummy and I remember saying, " Meet your baby" .  The smile on his face was priceless. Our dream was coming true and I couldn't be happier.   We had a Dr. Appointment and found out my thyroid was high.  I was started on synthroid.  We had an ultrasound at 10 weeks 3 days.  The baby was only measuring 9 weeks 5 days.  What was worse was the look on the Dr. Face when she said " I am sorry, your baby doesn't have a heartbeat." I felt numb.  I didn't know what to think.  I was told I would miscarry in the next few weeks.  I spent hours praying that our baby would be ok, hours crying that the results were wrong.  On Dec 17th we were at an Awana Chistmas party and it happened. With a gush.  I went to the washroom to see what was happening and saw my baby.  Perfect little 9 week 5 day baby.  The baby I was suppose to protect.  The baby I prayed and cried for.  There was that numbness again.  I remember holding the little body in my hand, and crying and saying "I'm sorry little one".  I was alone there, just me and my baby, and I didn't notice how badly I was bleeding, nor did i care.  I felt like i had died as well.  I then realized that i had to go to the hospital, I opened the door to allow my husband in.  I was still holding our baby in my hand, I can still see the baby laying there. An image forever burned in my mind. I remember showing him but could not remember what he said.  We then headed for the hospital.

Once at the hospital things got bad.  I was hemorrhaging heavily, yet not much was being done.  I was put in a side room and left there.  I was bleeding so heavily that I passed out.  It was then that I got moved to emergency.  I know many times throughout the next hours passing clots the size of dinner plates.  I know I could no longer sit without passing out.  I was having contractions as my body was trying to pass the placenta.  I remember them calling doctors but no one coming.  I was bleeding out and no one was helping.  The next morning a doctor finally came and did a d and c .  At this point my blood count went to 70. Close to death I am told. It took months to regain any strength physically.  Not only did I loose our baby, I lost all my strength.

The mental part of the miscarriage was so much more painful then the physical.  I cried and cried.  How could my baby die.  I was so angry at God for taking my baby.  He could have stopped it, how could he.  We moved shortly after to another home.  I remember spending hours a night out in the living room just crying in the middle of the night.  I held it together through the day when people where around, when I was alone I lost it.  Wanting to just hold my baby.
Then we chose to try again, and sure enough we got another positive test.  I was happy but scared.  I felt I was betraying the first baby I lost.  I told my husband and we were both happy.  Only a few short weeks later, bleeding yet again.  After going to the hospital a few times no heartbeat was found and I would miscarry.  This baby I would never see. I was bleeding again, but i was having proper care.  My husband left around 11 to get some rest and would be back in an hour or 2.  At about 11:45 PM the doctor said he would have to do a procedure to see if they could get the bleeding to stop.  I was still in a blurry how could this be happening again? This time the doctor rolled me into a little er room with stirrups and proceeded to pull the baby from me.  He said it was done.  I asked to see the baby but was denied.  He then rolled me back to the er and allowed me to "heal". Again came months of hurt like no other, pain like no other.  Hours of crying for my babies.

Then one time while crying out to God why? I remember hearing " Your babies died, yes it is true, feeling no pain, feeling only love, and were right in my arms.  You see how much you cry and love them.  I GAVE my son, knowing he would suffer incredible pain, because I love you THAT much."  That broke me.  Yes indeed my babies died, and it hurt, I love them.  Christ loves me more.  I will one day hold those babies, because of Jesus' love. This started my healing.  God didn't take my babies, we know now it was a problem I had with synthroid, but He now holds my babies and they know no pain.  I held them every second of their life.

Fast forward to march2013 and we have another positive test, this baby we welcomed in October 2013, then her sisters followed in Nov 2015, Aug 1017.  My God is one who heals, who loves me as much as he loves Jesus and who holds my other babies for me till I get there.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

A new land.

I remember reading many times in the Bible, how God called Abraham to leave everything and go to a new land.  I could not imagine that. Just leaving family, friends and everything familiar to go to a land where you know no one.  Until now.

As some of you know we homeschool our little ones.  We feel this is the right choice for our family and hold the ability to do so as a great blessing and a need for us.  However in our home province the homeschool laws are taking some drastic changes, not for the better.  We have always been aware of this and knew that if it got to bad we would have to move.  In January of 2017 this happened.  One of the laws passed we did not like and has made it even more difficult to educate our children.
We saw it as a constant decline and felt God tell us it was time.

Then as Abraham we were called to another province. One where we know no body, one that is 9 hours from all family.  Leaving everything and everyone we know behind, taking our family of 6 and going. Not only are we moving a family of 6 to a new land but we are doing it in winter.

In just a few short weeks from the time we said yes we will move, we had a house and my husband had a job. Six weeks from the time we said yes we leave to come to this new place.

Our move has not come without struggles, we have struggled to get to know some new people.  We don't have a support system here, we can't call on family to just come and help out if we need it.  We have had to lean on each other a lot more, we have had to find new ways of doing things.  There are days where I long for that support system we had back home, where on a nice day the kids could go out and easily play with friends or visit family.  Days when my 4 year old cries because she misses her friends and her old home, I wish I could take her back.  However we know this is where we are called to be.  I often wondered if Abrham had days where he wanted to just go back. Now I am sure he probably did.

The area I now live in is beautiful. It has many of the things I have always wanted.   It has space for my children to play, we have a few chickens and a garden.  We can easily go to the beach and there is lots of farms and things to see.  It has wonderful homeschooling laws and a large homeschool community.  We know that God has called us to this place, it is clearly seen in the road to get here and even now that we are here.  Sometimes the road God has called us on though is not easy.  There are days  I want to say, maybe the laws back home are not so bad afterall, and compromise.  To go back, to return to the land we came from.  I think a lot of us do this and compromise in what we know we are to do just because it is hard or lonley.  Yet as Abrham we need to have faith that this is where God has called us and for a reason that will bring Him glory.  So join us on this new adventure in a new land.

Abigail's Birth story

I know some people love to hear birth stories, so i have chosen once again to share one,  Abigails.

Abigail was due on the 17th of August.  With her though we knew it would not be our Dr that would deliver her.  We found out part way through the pregnancy that she was no longer doing deliveries and would be retiring in September.  This left me very nervous for the delivery, due to past problems. 

On the night of August 9th I started having contraction at about 4 minutes.  Off to the hospital we go.  Once they they start to monitor me.  Contractions were steady 3-5 minutes for 2 hours. Then BAM stopped.  I was allowed to go back home.  However the Dr. said as we left, " See you around 4am."  Fast forward to 4 am.  I was getting contractions again. These however I have come to know as the "oh yeah these are the real ones."  Off we go again.

Once there we find out I am truly in labour and this is it.  The labour was very smooth
Most contraction I could easily breathe through until I hit 8-9cm. My husband would put conter pressure on my lower back , which also made the contractions way more bearable. After about 3ish hours I was fully dilated, but Abigail was face up, and there was still a small "lip". So I was not able to push just yet.  We tried many things to turn her, finally I remember saying " just cut her out."  However was informed they won't do that unless they have to.  So they suggested and epidural So she may turn.  I agreed and the call was made.  One more check was made before the epidural was given.  Guess who decided to turn!  She was now in great position and I could push. 10 minutes later, at 8:33am, as the morning sun was beaming throughout delivery room window, we got to greet our newest member, Abigail.
She was by far my easiest delivery.  Now almost a year old and such a wonderful joy.  I am blessed with 4 wonderful girls and a loving husband.  

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Another little blessing!

We have once again added another little girl to our Family!  She is our little Abigail.  We got to welcome her the 10th of August, in the morning as the sun was shining through the delivery room window.

I have gone from struggling with miscarriages to a wonderfully blessed mom.  I am so happy to have my 4, yes 4, girls.

Often now I hear that we are a large family, or that I am done, or my favourite, " you are not trying for more now are you?".  Years ago 4 was not a big family, it was small.  Why is it that years ago children were wanted and large families were wonderful, made people happy,, and were a blessing?  Now 4 is to some, an awful thing and how could anyone want more.

Children to me are a wonderful blessing and bring much joy.  They are loud, messy and sometimes just very difficult but so worth it.  They seem to be able to undo my cleaning job in 5 minutes flat.  But the fun imaginative play in that time reminds me of the innocence of children and the joy in being able to imagine anything and pretend to be it.

Our 4 year old can ask so many questions in a day.  Why, who, when, what.  Why is the sky that color?  Who is saint Nicolas? When is my friend coming to play? What does this do?  Sometimes I think, please no more questions.  But then remember that curiosity is a great thing. Questions she asks now and has answered will find a way into her play later.

My 2 year old seems to be into everything.  I think she spends her day trying to see how often she can be told no.  No don't climb on the table.  No you can play with the phone.  Get out of the bag of flour.  Don't dump your water on the floor.   I then see a different side.  She is mimicking in her own way things she sees.  She is trying to help or be like mom or Dad.  Which again finds its way into play.

Our little 2 month old is fussing with gas and post vaccine soreness.  She has always had a lot of gas and struggles laying down.  She cries unless walking or being held upright. There is little time when she lays down.  However I see her beautiful smile now, I feel her breathing and relaxing and every step is worth it.

My now 18 year old has grown so fast.  She has been home schooled, went to college and is now looking at international studies and midwifery.  What a joy, what a blessing.  She is following the Lord and is caring toward others.  She truly bring a smile to my heart.  She went through all these above struggles and times as well as she grew, but they passed.

Maybe today you are a mom of a child who talks non stop, who is into everything or a fussy 2 month old.  Remember moms, and dads, it does pass.  Soon they will be all grown and making your heart smile even more.  Try to see the good and enjoy the ride. They are a blessing, they are not a burden.
Do we have a big family? yes we do.  Are our hands full? oh yeah! However our hearts are too.  Remember that when you see a larger family. Instead of thinking, " what a burden" think, "What a BLESSING."

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

The Journey starts over.

Here we go, again.  On The mothering and homeschool journey.  My oldest daughter has started college this year, after graduating from homeschool.  She seems very prepared and seems to be having no problems with her classes.  We homeschooled through A.C.E for the most part.  This program was easy for me and daughter her as she got older to work on her own, set goals and to complete her work on time.  It gave her all the info she needed to be able to keep up in college and not just keep up but excel.
 I was a single mom for 12 years, I homeschooled and did what I could to raise my oldest daughter.  I then got married when she was 12, to my wonderful husband who stood by me in the decision to homeschool and be a stay home mom and wife.  Now after 5 years we have 2 more little ones, and our homeschooling journey is about to restart.  It was at first a daunting and somewhat scary thought ot me, that I Would have to do it all over again.   I then see the school system and the thought of putting them in school and hate it.

Now the journey is starting over.  My three year old has started school.  We played around with just a few little workbooks but it does not seem to be enough so our A.C.E journey is about to start over in a few weeks.
I am also on a journey to get more organised.  For me this could be a big one.  I will share on here and our facebook page the journey and any tips we may come across.  I am certainly not the most organized person, however I believe that it is important and will help me be a better mom and wife.

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